Project One - Final Draft

Ever since I was young I found myself questioning the existence of the Christian God. My name in itself is obviously a reflection, a textual symbol perhaps, of the values I was brought up to learn; there’s a god and you’re, in a way, a pawn in the scheme of his plan. The message I was taught maybe was said more eloquently than that but at the end of the day that’s what I boiled it down to in my mind. I’ll avoid giving an unnecessary timeline of my evolution of thought that led to my becoming an atheist, instead I’ll be more concise in presenting important facts. By 9th grade I made my radical departure from religion. Preceding that move was my 8th grade year where my English teachers were introducing us students to a well-known poet, Emily Dickinson. I can’t say I’m much of a fan of the genre of poetry but much of what my teacher presented in her poems interested me enough to dig around where I come across one of Dickinson’s poems titled, “Of God We Ask One Favor.” At that age I didn’t truly understand what most of Dickinson was trying to convey. Some of that problem arose from the fact that I either didn’t agree with her at the time or her tactical use of the conventions of literature made the hard hitting lines fly right over my head.

As my 8th grade year moved forward I often referred back to that poem. Over the course of that period I asked teachers to make sense of it since it seemed so complex despite being so short. If I wasn’t getting clarification from a teacher I was simply sitting around pondering its meaning. I was convinced every line had to mean something significant, especially given that Emily Dickinson is considered one of the greats; no great poet could possibly allow a line to go to waste, right? I wanted to be analytical since in my arrogant youthful mind I had to be smarter than everyone else; there was no better way to do that than to be able to make sense of a poem that was probably way beyond my actual intellect. Slowly I uncovered what I believed to be the true meaning that sat behind each word. In the classic fashion of a poet much of what was said was metaphorical. In this case it was a short description on Dickinson’s perspective on religion. It reads:

Of God we ask one favor, That we may be forgiven -- For what, he is presumed to know -- The Crime, from us, is hidden -- Immured the whole of Life Within a magic Prison We reprimand the Happiness That too competes with Heaven.

Dickinson’s poem is clearly quite critical of religion and questioned the role of Christianity in our daily lives. I interpret one of her lines; “The crime, from us, is hidden,” as a means to explain how we often assume guilt for a sin in which we, as an individual, do not define as evil yet are told it is such. The “crime” being our sin; our understanding of the lamentable evil of this sin being described as “hidden” from our understanding. Through this adoption of sin, we are supposedly locked within a “magic Prison” that contains us by establishing fear of the denial from Heaven. In consideration of what Dickinson claimed I had to wrestle with the unethical reality of what we call “sin.” Something that came to mind while making sense of this poem, particularly the part involving our “hidden crimes,” were the very intimate moments I had when I was young where I’d routinely pray for forgiveness from sin. Those prayers typically sprung from the extreme anxiety I received from the edicts of the Bible which ultimately state that without your cleansing from sin and your acceptance of Jesus, you’ll be cast into the fiery pits of Hell. At a young age it wasn’t unusual for me to feel like an immoral creature since it seemed that most of what I did needed to be reprimanded. If I ate too much, if I cursed, if I disobeyed my parents, whatever the cause may be, I was cloaked in sin. From personal experience I made an internal discovery of the problematic nature of the ideals of biblical sin on my life; I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that religion was very much a stain to humanity. I was disappointed to say the least. One singular poem was able to swing open an already opening door and expose a truth to me that seemed horrifying. But that’s the essence of poetry; poetry which is good should speak volumes to you whether you agree with it or not.

I think I can easily what popped out to me most of all in my reading of, “Of God We Ask One Favor,” was the somewhat paradoxical lines, “We reprimand the Happiness/ That too competes with Heaven.” This is virtually the only line that I immediately understood when I first read the poem. The obvious idea trying to be conveyed is that happiness is at odds with the ideals that surround Heaven, such as the existence of a judgmental god. That ended up being profound to me. I came to the conclusion that the ideology that creates such great odds is essentially immoral. At that age that was more of a leading factor to my loss of faith. I couldn’t reconcile the logic behind believing in something; that thing of which has no scientific proof or data to back it up, at the cost of personal fulfillment and happiness. Easily one of the greatest benefits I’ve reaped from my atheism is the lack of fear I feel over just living; judgement is not constantly looming over me. I’m under the belief that one of the main points Dickinson was trying to send out to her audience, that of which included the likes of me, was just what I discussed. By creating a paradox between happiness and Heaven she is demonstrating the taxing effect of religious ideology on the common man’s psyche. But maybe I shouldn’t speak for poets or authors.

I am genuinely grateful that at some point I came across this poem. It’s excellently written, short but poignant in its message. For readers that understand or agree with Dickinson’s points it’s troubling to see merit in religion; that’s at least the case for me. Despite the complications the poem exposes it has had a liberating effect on my life. Obviously I don’t need to incorporate atheism into my life, it’s simply the lack of belief in some sort of an otherworldly being. But even though I feel that there are no notable differences in my day to day life after my conversion, it has managed to release me of the constraints previously emplaced on me as a Christian.